Our Intrepid Treasurer in the UK – Diary

Read AMEXRAP’s official report on the United Queendom of Britannialand.

SO here I am once more in the freest elected dictatorship in the world, where it is traditional to become an alcoholic after retirement (just think of our national icons, George Best and Paul Gascoigne), and where pizzas get to your house faster than ambulances. Has anything changed since my last visit?

The UK is facing its worst recession since 1066, and public spending cuts are to be made across the country to try and alleviate the burgeoning budget deficit and the massive burden it places on the rich.

Proposed cuts include:
§ A plan to limit the amount civil servants drink to stop them going to the toilet. Tea cups over 150ml will be banned and ‘fluid monitors’ brought in to impose fines for transgressions. The plan could save £11 billion a year.
§ A plan to sterilise the poor and reintroduce the workhouse.
§ A plan to “stop spending money on illegal wars and false accusations to justify stealing other countries’ resources”. This plan is currently under review, and is expected to be scrapped.
§ A plan to sell passports and classified information to spies from other countries.

Education in the UK begins with primary school and ends with a three year holiday before work known as “university”. The rich are educated at age-old institutions such as Cambridge and Oxford. The poor are not educated at university, but by Sire Ivy Nuts and his own brand of iRevise Units such as TV, the “News of the World” and “Hello” magazine.

The English still hate the French (see figure 1 below), and everything foreign. Britain is still a colony of the US.

Figure 1 Britannialand’s Foreign Policy since 1337

According to the NHS, the measure of child’s physical health is directly proportionate to the number of hamburgers, pies, and chips it consumes each year (see figure 2, research funded by Burger King International):

Figure 2 Happiness Levels in the UK

This means that Britain has Europe’s highest happiness rates. Happiness costs the economy around £7 billion a year in treatment, loss of earnings and reduced productivity. This figure could rise to £60 billion by 2050, experts predict.

There are lots of laws in Britannialand. There are many laws for the rich, and some for the poor. Court cases are usually won by the richest litigant. Settlements out of court are still conducted via trial by combat, where the winner is the one who has not been shot, stabbed, strangled, eaten, dismembered, or generally murdered.

Law enforcement is divided into three sections: the police, the IRA, and Sherlock Holmes. Due to its highly regulated law enforcement, Britannialand is the safest and most just queendom in all of Christendom.

The Britishlanders are good at Tiddlywinks. They are mind-bogglingly bad at all other sports, despite having invented most of them.